Brandon and I have been married almost two and a half years now- with no children. Gasp. That's right, no children and no immediate plan to start trying to have children. Does this make us matrimonial pariahs? I've been getting the impression lately that it does. I don't mean to be rude- well, actually, I don't really care if it seems rude at this point, but since when does a wedding ring on the finger broadcast to the masses that it's open season on our personal life?
At a fairly recent Clark family gathering (that's Brandon's side of the family) one particularly outspoken Aunt saw us arrive and immediately bee-lined in our direction. She took one look at my flat belly in my little black dress and blurted out in a boisterous way that drew the attention of all family members in our immediate vicinity,
"No baby yet?! What's the matter Bran, your willy not workin'?!"
Yes, that's right folks; those words actually were spoken to our faces. How do you even respond to that mortifying comment? As my heart shimmied it's way up my chest and lodged firmly in my throat and the blood was hamming through my eardrums with embarrassment and anger, my husband managed to collect himself enough to respond.
"No, Aunt Marie, it's working just fine," he laughed it off. "Just no kids for us yet."
"Not yet" has become the official party line; recently we've had to develop a habit of making a preemptive "not yet" strike when we arrive at any event that the family will be attending. After the infamous "willy" comment it is simply an effort to save us from humiliation.
We get it from the other side of the family too now. My brother's wife- I'll call her Gwen- is a proud mother of three with a forth on the way. During a recent visit to their house I revealed my aspirations of becoming a writer. Gwen listened quietly as I spoke of my passion and my plans for my first book. Later I sat with Gwen on the back deck watching Brandon play with her kids. It was then she decided to strike with the question that has become a resounding refrain to Brandon and me:
"When are you two going to start having kids?"
First of all, why is it always phrased like that? "Start having kids"- like once you start you just can't stop and that's who you are; a baby-making machine. Second, I love how people think this is a socially appropriate question simply because we're married. If I was single no one would say, "Hey Jenna, when are you going to quit screwing around and start having kids?" And for that matter no one with any decency would ask me, "When are you going to get married already?"
Not cool. This is personal stuff that I think should be our business. But I digress.
I responded candidly to Gwen's question, "There are things I would like to accomplish before we start a family."
Gwen's comeback was this:
"Well there's nothing like having children to get your priorities straight and keep your pipe-dreams in check."
Pow. All the air rushed from my lungs as if I had been kicked in the stomach by a horse. I was rendered speechless yet again by the brazenness of the incredibly inappropriate comment. That was a one-two passive aggressive punch, too. She was not only suggesting that having kids is the only life-affirming path one can take but also she was suggesting that I was basically and idiot for thinking I could ever be a published writer.
Gwen might as well have said, "Give it up, girl. Just start popping out some kids and life will be sweet."
I'm going to pause here to say that I am not anti-children. Brandon and I are not one of those "modern day power couples" that see no need for children when we're so focused on bigger and better things. We want children. We simply want to be able to accomplish a certain number of things before we give ourselves completely to our children and give them the best possible life opportunities. What's the problem?
So, give it up guys. Just because we're married doesn't mean we owe it to anyone to 1. have children or 2. explain why we haven't had children yet. We love you all, really we do. Just find some other aspect of our lives to ask about.
I'm just saying.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Marriage Island
This morning I found myself channel surfing while enjoying my morning latte. I almost never even consider watching anything that MTV has to offer these days, but for whatever reason I felt intrigued by an episode of 'True Life'. This episode was entitled “I’m Ending My Marriage” and featured two young couples who were considering divorce. Both women in question were 26; which, incidentally, is a group I will join the ranks of in just 3 short months. Both couples had children which just makes the situation all the more devastating. I turned the show off after only about 10 minutes because I simply didn’t want to watch the irritating “drama” that MTV thrives on for ratings; but that’s a road I just can’t go down right now. However, what I did gather from my short time watching the program was that in each situation one person seemed to want to leave the marriage because they would rather live a carefree twenty-something existence.
In the first case the husband clearly loved his wife and sons but didn’t seem to want to give up his reckless nights of binge drinking at the bar with single friends and easy women. In the second case it seemed to be the wife who craved attention from strange men in clubs in an effort to remove her from the reality of marriage, children, and responsibility. So after taking in all this information I was left with one simple question that I found myself desperately wanting to ask these people:
“Why did you get married in the first place?”
Sometimes I feel that my husband and I are alone on the small island of “We Take Our Vows Seriously”. It’s no secret that this is an island that is difficult to survive on. For one, all those who have abandoned the island still live in close proximity and are very vocal about their decision to leave. Also, it has become much easier to leave the island. These days there are boats lined up like cabs outside a night club after last call waiting to ferry refugees off to the neighboring island of “I Want Out”. Resources have become sparse on our island, which makes survival dependant upon how creatively residents can utilize the resources we do have. Essentially it boils down to the fact that we committed ourselves to a life on this island. We promised God that we would live here for the rest of our lives no matter what the circumstances became.
When anyone first moves here, it’s the most beautiful place you can imagine. You think yourself incredibly lucky to be able to live in such a wonderful place. But the fact is any place you live is going to lose some of the initial novel appeal and you will begin to see the flaws. There isn’t enough to eat, it gets too cold at night, it’s too humid in the summer, or it’s just plain boring! This is when many people grab the first boat they can find and flee the island.
"It didn't work out," they may think. Or the ever popular, "We just weren't meant to be together," may be the party line given when asked why they can't stay.
Some may stick it out through the initial challenges but then eventually something breaks them and they too run for the docks.
"We really tried," they tell the boat captain, "It just got too hard." The thing is, the captain couldn't care less, he's just going to collect his ferry fee and come back for the next couple.
The real survivors, the true island natives are the ones who find more to eat, use an extra blanket at night, find shade during the heat, and then look around and think to themselves, “this is still the most beautiful place I can imagine and there is no where else in the world I would rather live”.
Living here comfortably on “We Take Our Vows Seriously”, my husband and I find ourselves frustrated when we see people abandon the island. And it’s especially irritating when we see people leave for; let’s face it, stupid reasons.
Let me clarify: Brandon and I are not judgmental self-important people simply because we’ve managed to stay married for two and a half years without major incident. My intention is not to be holier-than-thou and condemning, in case any of you reading this feels particularly defensive about your decision to move off the island. So if I am offending anyone, let me convey my apologies right now. Brandon and I simply find ourselves frustrated with people who get married with the underlying attitude of, "we'll see how it goes" instead of "for better or worse". That being said; moving on...
We understand that sometimes, despite both parties’ best efforts, a marriage cannot be salvaged. We also completely sympathize with those who find themselves married to someone they don’t even recognize due possibly to drugs, alcohol, or domestic violence. There should be no shame in leaving the island for those reasons.
The reasons I find myself completely infuriated over, and my primary intention in writing this blog, are the reasons the couples featured on the TV show “True Life” are letting their marriage deteriorate over. You shouldn’t get to flip-flop between family responsibilities and single life. Sure, at one point or another every married person will look back on single life with a small twinge of harmless nostalgia. Or one may even feel a fleeting sense of jealousy toward a single friend’s carefree exploits of unattached-hood. But I just can't get my head around the idea of someone who gets married when they aren't completely sure they want to leave that life behind. Here’s what I think an easy solution would be: get it out of your system then get married. It’s so heartbreaking to see relationships dissolve over something so trivial.
I have also heard young people I have known in my life cite the ever popular reason for divorce:
“I just don’t want to be married anymore”.
This one caused me to fight every red hot instinct in my body to scream in response, “Too frickin' bad! You should have thought of that before you promised ‘until death do you part’”!
Too often it seems that marriage is entered into because it seems like the right thing to do at the time. Or maybe, in some cases, people may think,
“This will be fun! I’ll plan a huge party, be the princess of the world for a day, get tons of presents, go on an awesome vacation, and then have a boyfriend for life!”
Even if this isn’t exactly the way the thought process progresses, admit it, lots of women are guilty of perceiving marriage this way. It may be on a subconscious level or it may flutter through her mind briefly while flipping through bridal magazines or trying on a wedding dress. Sure, it’s harmless if it’s a fleeting notion because the reality is the wedding itself is just our way of indulging our inner six-year-old. If only there was a way to do that without the whole "lifetime commitment" thing.
So if you want to move to the island of “We Take Our Vows Seriously”, I think, you should really ask yourself if you can live there, for better or worse, for the rest of your life. Because it truly is an amazing place to live if you take the time to make it that. It’s not a vacation spot, folks; true residents don’t appreciate tourists. So don’t show up if you’re not absolutely sure that you’re going to stay no matter what.
In the first case the husband clearly loved his wife and sons but didn’t seem to want to give up his reckless nights of binge drinking at the bar with single friends and easy women. In the second case it seemed to be the wife who craved attention from strange men in clubs in an effort to remove her from the reality of marriage, children, and responsibility. So after taking in all this information I was left with one simple question that I found myself desperately wanting to ask these people:
“Why did you get married in the first place?”
Sometimes I feel that my husband and I are alone on the small island of “We Take Our Vows Seriously”. It’s no secret that this is an island that is difficult to survive on. For one, all those who have abandoned the island still live in close proximity and are very vocal about their decision to leave. Also, it has become much easier to leave the island. These days there are boats lined up like cabs outside a night club after last call waiting to ferry refugees off to the neighboring island of “I Want Out”. Resources have become sparse on our island, which makes survival dependant upon how creatively residents can utilize the resources we do have. Essentially it boils down to the fact that we committed ourselves to a life on this island. We promised God that we would live here for the rest of our lives no matter what the circumstances became.
When anyone first moves here, it’s the most beautiful place you can imagine. You think yourself incredibly lucky to be able to live in such a wonderful place. But the fact is any place you live is going to lose some of the initial novel appeal and you will begin to see the flaws. There isn’t enough to eat, it gets too cold at night, it’s too humid in the summer, or it’s just plain boring! This is when many people grab the first boat they can find and flee the island.
"It didn't work out," they may think. Or the ever popular, "We just weren't meant to be together," may be the party line given when asked why they can't stay.
Some may stick it out through the initial challenges but then eventually something breaks them and they too run for the docks.
"We really tried," they tell the boat captain, "It just got too hard." The thing is, the captain couldn't care less, he's just going to collect his ferry fee and come back for the next couple.
The real survivors, the true island natives are the ones who find more to eat, use an extra blanket at night, find shade during the heat, and then look around and think to themselves, “this is still the most beautiful place I can imagine and there is no where else in the world I would rather live”.
Living here comfortably on “We Take Our Vows Seriously”, my husband and I find ourselves frustrated when we see people abandon the island. And it’s especially irritating when we see people leave for; let’s face it, stupid reasons.
Let me clarify: Brandon and I are not judgmental self-important people simply because we’ve managed to stay married for two and a half years without major incident. My intention is not to be holier-than-thou and condemning, in case any of you reading this feels particularly defensive about your decision to move off the island. So if I am offending anyone, let me convey my apologies right now. Brandon and I simply find ourselves frustrated with people who get married with the underlying attitude of, "we'll see how it goes" instead of "for better or worse". That being said; moving on...
We understand that sometimes, despite both parties’ best efforts, a marriage cannot be salvaged. We also completely sympathize with those who find themselves married to someone they don’t even recognize due possibly to drugs, alcohol, or domestic violence. There should be no shame in leaving the island for those reasons.
The reasons I find myself completely infuriated over, and my primary intention in writing this blog, are the reasons the couples featured on the TV show “True Life” are letting their marriage deteriorate over. You shouldn’t get to flip-flop between family responsibilities and single life. Sure, at one point or another every married person will look back on single life with a small twinge of harmless nostalgia. Or one may even feel a fleeting sense of jealousy toward a single friend’s carefree exploits of unattached-hood. But I just can't get my head around the idea of someone who gets married when they aren't completely sure they want to leave that life behind. Here’s what I think an easy solution would be: get it out of your system then get married. It’s so heartbreaking to see relationships dissolve over something so trivial.
I have also heard young people I have known in my life cite the ever popular reason for divorce:
“I just don’t want to be married anymore”.
This one caused me to fight every red hot instinct in my body to scream in response, “Too frickin' bad! You should have thought of that before you promised ‘until death do you part’”!
Too often it seems that marriage is entered into because it seems like the right thing to do at the time. Or maybe, in some cases, people may think,
“This will be fun! I’ll plan a huge party, be the princess of the world for a day, get tons of presents, go on an awesome vacation, and then have a boyfriend for life!”
Even if this isn’t exactly the way the thought process progresses, admit it, lots of women are guilty of perceiving marriage this way. It may be on a subconscious level or it may flutter through her mind briefly while flipping through bridal magazines or trying on a wedding dress. Sure, it’s harmless if it’s a fleeting notion because the reality is the wedding itself is just our way of indulging our inner six-year-old. If only there was a way to do that without the whole "lifetime commitment" thing.
So if you want to move to the island of “We Take Our Vows Seriously”, I think, you should really ask yourself if you can live there, for better or worse, for the rest of your life. Because it truly is an amazing place to live if you take the time to make it that. It’s not a vacation spot, folks; true residents don’t appreciate tourists. So don’t show up if you’re not absolutely sure that you’re going to stay no matter what.
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