Christmas Eve and Miles Away from the Ordinary

The term "new normal" has been thrown around a lot when one is trying to adjust to a major life-altering event. It gives people a sense that everything will ultimately be okay. Although things will never be as they were before the event, the dust will eventually settle and all parties involved will grow accustomed to a new routine and way of life. This expression is especially prevalent in my family. We have had to cope with many shifts in comfortable practices as a result of crisis, tragedy, or simply taking the next step in life.

I've never been one to adapt well to change. I like things the way they are, safe and familiar. I like life where I can see it so it can't spring any unwanted surprises on me when I have my guard down. I like predictability of routine and the security of knowing that things will remain the same and within my control. This is not a reasonable expectation, of that I am acutely aware. Things change; plain and simple. Sometimes they change for the better, for example, adjusting to graduating from college, getting married, or moving to a new house; and sometimes a change can occur in your life that sends you into a tailspin of anxiety and despair. You may find yourself wondering if it is even possible to recover from such a catastrophe and eventually fumble your way to the "new normal". The only way to cope is to pick your head up off the pillow every day and grasp to the hope that the dust will settle and life will seem manageable again someday.

So, here I sit, gazing at my modest Christmas tree all lit up and just waiting for joyful family members to gather around it tomorrow morning and forget all about life's challenges for one day and just be together. It serves as a reminder that no matter how turbulent circumstances get Christmas morning is a time to reset our way of thinking and take stock of the wonderful blessings God has awarded us this year.

My "new normal" has been quite the journey over the past 12 months. My mother is spending her first Christmas away from her children in Montana with her fiance. They are getting married on Sunday and unfortunately neither I nor my brother will be able to be there. This joyous occasion is following a long and painful process to get to this point. Both my mother and her husband-to-be fought tooth and nail to be with each other, prevailing over an unnecessarily drawn out divorce and my mother's recent diagnosis of breast cancer and subsequent mastectomy. My father decided to return to his home and family in South Africa after becoming involved with a woman he had known 30 years ago and recently reconnected with on Facebook. He packed all his worldly possessions and moved on to the next phase of his life half a world away. In addition to both my parents beginning new lives this holiday season my husband and I are dealing with the wake of the sudden loss of my job. It became necessary for me to return to waiting tables, a job and lifestyle that I had fought with everything I had to leave behind. So, in the face of absent parents, cancer, unemployment, and general uncertainty about what 2010 will bring; I sit in front of my Christmas tree and choose to smile; because sometimes, in a time of uncertainty and crisis, smiling is a choice.

This is my life; it is what it is and it will remain to be what it will be. I will muster the strength to change what I can and improve what is within my control... other than that, I simply have to lift my head off the pillow every morning and choose to smile. It's a new Christmas this year and I'm extremely grateful.

What Happens After "Happily Ever After"

I read somewhere that watching romantic movies (more commonly known as "chick flicks") can be detrimental to your relationship because it creates an "unrealistic view of romance". I believe that is the fundamental problem with today's society when it comes to our views on marriage and love. Think about it... what year was it exactly that Walt Disney began planting the idea in people's heads of "happily ever after"? It started with sweet little Snow White and the poisoned apple. Then along came Prince Charming and all it took was a kiss to wake her from her coma and they "lived happily ever after"! Fast-forward almost 100 years and now we see Kate Hudson being swept off her feet by some gorgeous, albeit charmingly flawed man with some impeccably crafted line that happens to be the product of some grossly overpaid Hollywood writer and not at ALL based in reality; but I'm getting ahead of myself. So here we are, ladies, in our best sweatpants with a pint of our favorite Ben & Jerry's in our laps watching a 105 pound adorably quirky leading lady receive the best kiss of her life with some climactic music playing in surround sound just before the credits roll. How could that possibly distort our views on realistic relationships?!?!?

So I have made it my personal mission to tell these women who have been brainwashed by people who write impossible love stories exactly what happens AFTER the credits roll. How do you get to "happily ever after"? I'll tell you one thing, if Snow White and Prince Charming didn't put in the proverbial blood, sweat, and not-so-proverbial tears that is necessary to make a relationship thrive; "happily ever after" would have lasted about 6 months and then they would have marched their cute little Disney butts right into divorce court because Snow White couldn't stand Charming's parents and Charming thought Snow White spent too much money on shoes.

I think everyone realizes on some level that there is no such thing as complete and total "happily ever after" where everyday is like your wedding. But I will tell you that if you're expecting anything even close to what you see in those movies you're more than likely going to end up where more than 50% of married couples end up. But if you remind yourself every single day that happily ever after is hard work it is an attainable goal.

First thing you gotta know is, Prince Charming doesn't exist. Sure, your guy is going to have his white knight moments, and the good ones have a lot of them. But that same guy that made your heart flutter and your stomach flip in those first magical weeks is as flawed as any human. He sweats, swears, farts, and watches too much ESPN. He leaves his socks in the living room and doesn't put the toilet seat down. He's gonna drive you crazy just by looking at you the wrong way some days and you're going to want to punch him when "it's not what he said but how he said it"!
But he's still your Prince and he's still you're White Knight. It's just the reality behind the script. When my Prince Charming is driving me crazy and I just want to scream, I look at a beautiful picture from our wedding day and I remember that he's the man I fell in love with and the man I married and I love him completely unconditionally. Sometimes I still want to scream but the feeling passes a lot quicker.

So put down the DVD remote and appreciate the real man in your life, not the ones some Hollywood guys made up. Because even Matthew McConaughey would drive you crazy if you had to live with the guy!

Keeping the "Me" in "We"

For many couples the shift from "me" to "we" happens very naturally and in many cases may go completely unnoticed. For other couples that transition can be very uncomfortable as one of both people fight fiercely to preserve their sense of independence. Brandon and I are definitely part of the former group and "we" happened for us long before we became a "we" in the eyes of God and the government. So it has taken me this long (nearly three years) to begin to reflect on how exactly the "me-to-we" transition has affected MY life.

First let me explain what I mean by the "me-to-we" transition. It is what happens when two people commit to each other to the point where their lives are aimed towards a common goal and the needs for the couple supersede the needs of the individual. It is not as simple as replacing your "I's" and "me's" in your everyday conversations with "we" or "us". (I am aware that this part of the transition can be extremely irritating to those of steadfast single status) In addition to the change in language a change in overall mindset occurs as well. Simple decisions can no longer be made based on what you want. All of a sudden the needs of your spouse are a dominant factor in the decision process.

But before I get preachy I'll get on with it. I find myself reflecting on my experiences with this transition because it's not something that happens overnight. First it began when we were dating when I started to consult Brandon on the plans for the weekend. I couldn't just run off to a party or a bar with a friend at the last minute. Then once we decided to get married the breadth of decisions expanded. And I'll tell ya, it's not easy to consider "we" when you're planning a wedding that you've been picturing since you were a little "me".

So now here I am, a year after the wedding, and I'm reflecting on the transition into complete and total "we". While I still do maintain a healthy level of independence; for instance I insist on spending at least one day a week doing girly things like shopping and scrapbooking with my mom, and I spontaneously grab a drink with a friend after work every once in awhile instead of worrying about fixing dinner; the majority of the decisions made in my life involve the point of view and the best interest of both myself and my husband. At times this can be frustrating because I can no longer consider things like spending a year in Ireland or moving to California. No more are the days of impulse buying with no one to answer to when I come home with a new purse or pair of shoes that I apparently "don't need".

It's nice though, when you really sit and think about it. Because really it comes down to thinking about the feelings of someone who is incredibly meaningful to you and that is the most important thing, isn't it? To finally be able to put someone else's needs before your own for the good of the relationship and the survival of the partnership.

As the Dust Settles...

Thanksgiving was just the beginning of what was to prove to be an extremely chaotic time in our lives. After our little mini-vacation to North Carolina, it was time for me to put the proverbial pedal-to-the-metal and prepare for my final weeks of college. I was about to cross a finish line many years in the making. Combined with the stress of final exams and the pressure of finishing with honors was the requisite anxiety of preparing for our first Christmas as a married couple. So you all know what that means...

That's right, it was time for the annual "how are we going to see both families" fight. Every couple goes through this unless one or both does not spend holidays with their family for whatever reason. And if you're anything like Brandon and me, who are both extremely close with our families, the fight can reach Pay-Per-View level! Long story short, we both came out alive and had a wonderful Christmas with time spent with both the families (although it involved a little bit more driving than we would have liked).

After a beautiful Christmas, New Years Eve came and went with little spectacle. It was the first time since childhood that we were both asleep before the ball dropped! After the adrenaline of the holidays wore off we didn't have much time to breathe before we were celebrating again! First it was my college graduation ceremony and two days later the day was finally here...

OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!

We had done it! No longer are we considered newlyweds! (I'm still not changing the name of my blog) It was a day of feeling extremely accomplished. Everyone told us that the first year is the hardest and we had made it! Brandon gave me a beautiful journal after doing some investigating and finding out it was the "paper anniversary". He had even written me a love poem and a note in the front cover. We had a very romantic dinner at a gorgeous restaurant in Little Italy and talked about our plans for year two and beyond. A perfect day.

Now after the dust settles and we decide that celebrating Valentine's Day this weekend would be redundant and unnecessary I finally have time to reflect on what is happening in my life and the challenges I am facing at the beginning of my second year of marriage.

I find that it is hard not to fall into a rut at this point. Especially because it's the middle of winter and the economy is beating everyone into submission. Little stresses can derail the progression of relationship stability at this point in the game. I found that I spent the majority of the first year just trying to survive, now I am trying to build something. I want that lasting bond that gets you from year two to year fifty. And I'm telling you, it's not easy. I feel like year one was all about getting settled in to your new life. Now it's year two and I feel like it's the beginning of make or break time.

I'll be honest though, I was kind of hoping that year two could mostly be spent relaxing because we survived year one!