Keeping the "Me" in "We"

For many couples the shift from "me" to "we" happens very naturally and in many cases may go completely unnoticed. For other couples that transition can be very uncomfortable as one of both people fight fiercely to preserve their sense of independence. Brandon and I are definitely part of the former group and "we" happened for us long before we became a "we" in the eyes of God and the government. So it has taken me this long (nearly three years) to begin to reflect on how exactly the "me-to-we" transition has affected MY life.

First let me explain what I mean by the "me-to-we" transition. It is what happens when two people commit to each other to the point where their lives are aimed towards a common goal and the needs for the couple supersede the needs of the individual. It is not as simple as replacing your "I's" and "me's" in your everyday conversations with "we" or "us". (I am aware that this part of the transition can be extremely irritating to those of steadfast single status) In addition to the change in language a change in overall mindset occurs as well. Simple decisions can no longer be made based on what you want. All of a sudden the needs of your spouse are a dominant factor in the decision process.

But before I get preachy I'll get on with it. I find myself reflecting on my experiences with this transition because it's not something that happens overnight. First it began when we were dating when I started to consult Brandon on the plans for the weekend. I couldn't just run off to a party or a bar with a friend at the last minute. Then once we decided to get married the breadth of decisions expanded. And I'll tell ya, it's not easy to consider "we" when you're planning a wedding that you've been picturing since you were a little "me".

So now here I am, a year after the wedding, and I'm reflecting on the transition into complete and total "we". While I still do maintain a healthy level of independence; for instance I insist on spending at least one day a week doing girly things like shopping and scrapbooking with my mom, and I spontaneously grab a drink with a friend after work every once in awhile instead of worrying about fixing dinner; the majority of the decisions made in my life involve the point of view and the best interest of both myself and my husband. At times this can be frustrating because I can no longer consider things like spending a year in Ireland or moving to California. No more are the days of impulse buying with no one to answer to when I come home with a new purse or pair of shoes that I apparently "don't need".

It's nice though, when you really sit and think about it. Because really it comes down to thinking about the feelings of someone who is incredibly meaningful to you and that is the most important thing, isn't it? To finally be able to put someone else's needs before your own for the good of the relationship and the survival of the partnership.

As the Dust Settles...

Thanksgiving was just the beginning of what was to prove to be an extremely chaotic time in our lives. After our little mini-vacation to North Carolina, it was time for me to put the proverbial pedal-to-the-metal and prepare for my final weeks of college. I was about to cross a finish line many years in the making. Combined with the stress of final exams and the pressure of finishing with honors was the requisite anxiety of preparing for our first Christmas as a married couple. So you all know what that means...

That's right, it was time for the annual "how are we going to see both families" fight. Every couple goes through this unless one or both does not spend holidays with their family for whatever reason. And if you're anything like Brandon and me, who are both extremely close with our families, the fight can reach Pay-Per-View level! Long story short, we both came out alive and had a wonderful Christmas with time spent with both the families (although it involved a little bit more driving than we would have liked).

After a beautiful Christmas, New Years Eve came and went with little spectacle. It was the first time since childhood that we were both asleep before the ball dropped! After the adrenaline of the holidays wore off we didn't have much time to breathe before we were celebrating again! First it was my college graduation ceremony and two days later the day was finally here...

OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!

We had done it! No longer are we considered newlyweds! (I'm still not changing the name of my blog) It was a day of feeling extremely accomplished. Everyone told us that the first year is the hardest and we had made it! Brandon gave me a beautiful journal after doing some investigating and finding out it was the "paper anniversary". He had even written me a love poem and a note in the front cover. We had a very romantic dinner at a gorgeous restaurant in Little Italy and talked about our plans for year two and beyond. A perfect day.

Now after the dust settles and we decide that celebrating Valentine's Day this weekend would be redundant and unnecessary I finally have time to reflect on what is happening in my life and the challenges I am facing at the beginning of my second year of marriage.

I find that it is hard not to fall into a rut at this point. Especially because it's the middle of winter and the economy is beating everyone into submission. Little stresses can derail the progression of relationship stability at this point in the game. I found that I spent the majority of the first year just trying to survive, now I am trying to build something. I want that lasting bond that gets you from year two to year fifty. And I'm telling you, it's not easy. I feel like year one was all about getting settled in to your new life. Now it's year two and I feel like it's the beginning of make or break time.

I'll be honest though, I was kind of hoping that year two could mostly be spent relaxing because we survived year one!