Across the Universe: For Your General Amusement: The Facebook Awards!

It's that wonderful time of year again. A time where us common folk gawk at unfairly beautiful celebrities in dresses that cost more than my car while downing our thoughts of self-deprecation in a bottle of Pinot Noir and a pint of Starbucks ice cream. What, that's just me?

That's right, it's awards season! So I thought, in honor of that special time of year that makes us all depressed that we haven't lost the holiday weight yet and don't have a little gold man to show for our lifetime accomplishments, I would present my own awards. But as with any award show I'm going to make the audience wait a little longer than they're comfortable with for the grand finale. Enjoy!

Social networking is a lot like knowledge of nuclear science. Placed in the right hands it can be productive, useful, and make the world a better place. Placed in the wrong hands, however, it can reduce the entire planet to a pile of shit. Unfortunately social networking does not have an IQ requirement in order to understand it and use it for its intended purposes.

My first segment will consist of what I believe to be the ten biggest transgressions in the Facebook Universe. Someone needs to bring these missteps to light because I know I'm not the only one that's getting fed up with our feeds getting clogged with this nonsense.

DISCLAIMER: If you believe you may be guilty of one of the following Facebook crimes, close this window immediately! I do not wish to offend those who stick by their annoying behavior. If you're intrigued or morbidly curious about where I'm going with this, please read on... but do NOT say I didn't warn you.
Incidentally, I do expect a significant number of people to de-friend me after reading this- but that's a risk I'm willing to take.

10. Completely Unnecessary Wall Posts
This includes posting on someone's wall if you are currently in the same house. Really? Your methods of communication have been reduced to that? Also falling into the category of unnecessary wall posts are the "call me when you get this" messages and the general request to "text meeee!". The entirety of your social network does not need to see that. I can't believe I have to clarify that the phone works both ways, but evidently some people still don't grasp that concept.
Moving on...

9. Combined Facebook pages.
This is ridiculous... If I see a page titled KellyandTim Smith, guess what... I don't want to be friends with either of you! I'm married, happily I might add, and I am acutely aware of the fact that there are things you just keep separate: closets, toothbrushes, underwear, email addresses, in my case bank accounts... Some of these may seem obvious to you but if you've gotten to the point in your relationship where you have combined your first names to share a Facebook page I think you need to look up co-dependency in the APA Dictionary of Psychology.

8. "You're Not Human and You Have No Soul if You Don't Re-Post This in Your Status" Statuses
Don't assume that 97% of people are heartless or don't believe in God or hate kittens because they don't waste 30 precious seconds in their day to copy and paste a notice to the world stating otherwise. If you really want to preach or raise awareness about a cause you feel so strongly about, at least attempt to take the time to be original.

7. Cryptic Status Updates
Is this your passive aggressive way of calling someone out or begging for attention without actually growing a pair? For example: no one wants to see "Kimmy McEmo is tired of all the bull shit" or anything referring to karma being a bitch or "people need to get what they deserve". I don't know what your problem is, and if it's not with me I really don't care and I'd venture to guess no one else does either.

6*. Wishing Happy Birthday to EVERYONE
I know if it weren't for Facebook you would not know it's my birthday much less if I was even still alive. Your empty wishes only make me a little sad inside. If the only time of year that I hear from you is when I see the obligatory "Happy B-day" wall post, it's pretty clear Facebook tipped you off. Thanks all the same, but save your energy.

5*. Making a Facebook Page for Your Pet
I really don't care about your dog's social life. The only way that would be adorable and really impressive is if your dog made it himself. But we all know its you, so it's just lame.

4. Kissing Pictures

The only time a kissing picture as your profile picture is acceptable is if either A) it was taken on your wedding day or B) and I'm calling out the ladies here... you're kind of a slut and your profile picture is of you kissing another girl and you're basically advertising that you're open for business. Otherwise I'm not really interested in photographic evidence of how "in love" you are at the moment. Like I said before, I'm not a cynic, I'm happily married and very much in love; I just don't see the need to rub everyone else's faces in it.

I'm going to pause to mention that the Top 3 were very difficult because all three of these behaviors drive me completely bonkers and it was hard to determine which one made me want to rant until I give myself a stroke the most. So... in no particular order, these are the worst of the worst Facebook crimes...

3*. "Like" Button Abuse
There should seriously be some sort of digital obstacle course that one must pass through in order to like either someone's status or a page that shouldn't even exist in the first place. These are two things about which I'm genuinely surprised my head doesn't explode from frustration. Here's one I came across today actually:
S**** M****: Just wants to cry. They're all the same.
G*** F*** likes this

Seriously? Do you really like the fact that your "friend" is having a bad day and wants to cry? Or is it just that you can't come up with anything remotely supportive to say so you suppose the "Like" button will provide the necessary encouragement. Bottom line... You suck as a friend and you probably suck as a person.
Here's another situation where it is completely inappropriate to go anywhere near that "Like" button: if someone is posing a question on their status. For example:
P**** R*****: Anyone know where I can get an awesome cheesesteak?
F****** M****** likes this

If you can't answer the question just don't do anything. I'm serious, don't hit that button! It's not necessary and you're not being helpful!

Moving on...

I can't frickin' stand when I see people who like Facebook pages that shouldn't even exist. If I see that one of you "likes" any of the following I will immediately de-friend you and write you off as a vapid moron:

When We First Met I Had No Idea How Important You'd Be to Me :)
Pretending to Text in Awkward Situations
Don't Worry Best Friend, I Will <3 You More Than Any Douchebag Will
I Said You Were Ugly Because You Are, Not Because I'm Jealous of You
I Think Forehead Kisses Are Cute :)
Don't Text Him Back... Oh, I'm Not... You Texted Him Back Didn't You?... Yea

I could go on with this list for days; that's the really sad part. Stop. Just Stop.

2. Calling Your Significant Other Babe.
This is the one I think the most people are going to be offended by, but I honestly don't care. If this wasn't a FB epidemic it wouldn't have made the list, but the reality is I see this way too often. This isn't middle school (at least for the people on my friends list) so for those of you that are in your twenties or older let me tell you something: it is only appropriate to refer to your significant other as "babe" to his or her face. If you refer to that person as "babe" to anyone else you run the risk of making them physically ill. I can't express how little I care that anyone is "sitting home waiting for babe" or "curled up on the couch watching a movie with babe". It wouldn't bother me so much if you used the persons actual name but please keep your pet names between the two of you.
And now the winner for the #1 Facebook Crime of the Year- the screw up that makes me want to fly into a homicidal rage and scream in the face of every transgressor that they should be wiped off the face of the planet because they are a true Darwinian Nightmare... drum roll please...

1. Self-Taken Pictures Specifically to Be Posted on Facebook!!!
Let me just clear up for the people that may accuse me of being a hypocrite and say that everyone takes pictures of themselves to post on FB. Nope! You will see many pictures of me and Brandon that were taken by one of us flipping the camera around, this is not the issue. In fact, I am putting a bounty out there. Anyone who can find a picture posted on my FB page that I have taken of myself and only myself I will give you $100. (To make it fair I have not taken the time to go through and check every picture... I'm just that confident one doesn't exist)

Self-taken pictures are just proving to the world how either narcissistic you are or how insecure you are by displaying yourself for others to judge. You thrive on the "cute pic" comments and the "damn, hottie!" responses. Knock it off, it's not fooling anyone.

There are two scenarios, however, that need to cease immediately. The first are the pictures that were clearly taken of yourself in the mirror. I don't think I can come up with the words to describe how obnoxious this is and I'm a writer for god's sake! I will just plead with you all to please stop taking those epically stupid pictures. The second scenario that has to come to a screeching halt yesterday is what is now not-so-affectionately known as "duck face". You know what I'm talking about! I don't know when girls decided that this was a flattering pose to strike when there's a camera in their face but, trust me, it's not. I truly don't understand the "duck face" phenomenon! It's not cute on anyone. It makes your face look huge, your mouth look wrinkled and gross like you're a 78-year-old pack a day smoker, and it frankly makes you look like you're just plain stupid. Here's a thought... smile! It's cute on everyone and you don't look like you need safety scissors and circle paper!

I would like to end my Facebook Awards on a positive note because, as I said before, not all people use their social networking capabilities to annoy us. I am still a proud member of Facebook because I am continually entertained by those I am proud to call my friends. I would like to acknowledge them now with a segment I call The Best Facebook Status Updates. In no particular order these are the statuses that put a smile on my face or literally made me laugh out loud (although I attempt to refrain from abbreviating it):

• Meghan Colleen Welsh: Am I really awake at 7AM watching an REO Speedwagon concert?

• Ryan Honeycutt: I'm drinking some beer.

• Ryan Honeycutt: Twix is a very underrated candy bar. Also, breakfast.

• Jon Koch: Apparently there's a guy out there who looks exactly like me, his name is also Jon. He dates Christines though. I wish I did that.

• Nat Doegen: I just woke up from a dream in which Harry Potter and I discovered a teleportation spell called "Ooombly Boombly." J.K. Rowling, I await your phone call.

• Josh Bee's Knees Logan: Dear craigslist posters,
Why do you constantly move to Africa so that your wife must handle your real estate ventures back in the states. Hope it works out for you and sorry that I couldn't wire money even though you've assured me that the check you sent will definitely clear. I hope you die soon. Go America

• Shawn M. Callender: Had a dream about being attacked by a rabid cat lastnight. Killed my cats just to be safe.

Kat Rafferty: Fact: tacos taste better than yoga.

And now, for the Grand Finale I would like to show you my top five nominations for Best Picture... Best Profile Picture, that is... And the nominees are...

5. Lisa Unghire