Nope, Sorry, No Kids Yet.

Brandon and I have been married almost two and a half years now- with no children. Gasp. That's right, no children and no immediate plan to start trying to have children. Does this make us matrimonial pariahs? I've been getting the impression lately that it does. I don't mean to be rude- well, actually, I don't really care if it seems rude at this point, but since when does a wedding ring on the finger broadcast to the masses that it's open season on our personal life?
At a fairly recent Clark family gathering (that's Brandon's side of the family) one particularly outspoken Aunt saw us arrive and immediately bee-lined in our direction. She took one look at my flat belly in my little black dress and blurted out in a boisterous way that drew the attention of all family members in our immediate vicinity,
"No baby yet?! What's the matter Bran, your willy not workin'?!"
Yes, that's right folks; those words actually were spoken to our faces. How do you even respond to that mortifying comment? As my heart shimmied it's way up my chest and lodged firmly in my throat and the blood was hamming through my eardrums with embarrassment and anger, my husband managed to collect himself enough to respond.
"No, Aunt Marie, it's working just fine," he laughed it off. "Just no kids for us yet."

"Not yet" has become the official party line; recently we've had to develop a habit of making a preemptive "not yet" strike when we arrive at any event that the family will be attending. After the infamous "willy" comment it is simply an effort to save us from humiliation.

We get it from the other side of the family too now. My brother's wife- I'll call her Gwen- is a proud mother of three with a forth on the way. During a recent visit to their house I revealed my aspirations of becoming a writer. Gwen listened quietly as I spoke of my passion and my plans for my first book. Later I sat with Gwen on the back deck watching Brandon play with her kids. It was then she decided to strike with the question that has become a resounding refrain to Brandon and me:
"When are you two going to start having kids?"
First of all, why is it always phrased like that? "Start having kids"- like once you start you just can't stop and that's who you are; a baby-making machine. Second, I love how people think this is a socially appropriate question simply because we're married. If I was single no one would say, "Hey Jenna, when are you going to quit screwing around and start having kids?" And for that matter no one with any decency would ask me, "When are you going to get married already?"
Not cool. This is personal stuff that I think should be our business. But I digress.

I responded candidly to Gwen's question, "There are things I would like to accomplish before we start a family."
Gwen's comeback was this:
"Well there's nothing like having children to get your priorities straight and keep your pipe-dreams in check."
Pow. All the air rushed from my lungs as if I had been kicked in the stomach by a horse. I was rendered speechless yet again by the brazenness of the incredibly inappropriate comment. That was a one-two passive aggressive punch, too. She was not only suggesting that having kids is the only life-affirming path one can take but also she was suggesting that I was basically and idiot for thinking I could ever be a published writer.
Gwen might as well have said, "Give it up, girl. Just start popping out some kids and life will be sweet."

I'm going to pause here to say that I am not anti-children. Brandon and I are not one of those "modern day power couples" that see no need for children when we're so focused on bigger and better things. We want children. We simply want to be able to accomplish a certain number of things before we give ourselves completely to our children and give them the best possible life opportunities. What's the problem?

So, give it up guys. Just because we're married doesn't mean we owe it to anyone to 1. have children or 2. explain why we haven't had children yet. We love you all, really we do. Just find some other aspect of our lives to ask about.

I'm just saying.

Marriage Island

This morning I found myself channel surfing while enjoying my morning latte. I almost never even consider watching anything that MTV has to offer these days, but for whatever reason I felt intrigued by an episode of 'True Life'. This episode was entitled “I’m Ending My Marriage” and featured two young couples who were considering divorce. Both women in question were 26; which, incidentally, is a group I will join the ranks of in just 3 short months. Both couples had children which just makes the situation all the more devastating. I turned the show off after only about 10 minutes because I simply didn’t want to watch the irritating “drama” that MTV thrives on for ratings; but that’s a road I just can’t go down right now. However, what I did gather from my short time watching the program was that in each situation one person seemed to want to leave the marriage because they would rather live a carefree twenty-something existence.
In the first case the husband clearly loved his wife and sons but didn’t seem to want to give up his reckless nights of binge drinking at the bar with single friends and easy women. In the second case it seemed to be the wife who craved attention from strange men in clubs in an effort to remove her from the reality of marriage, children, and responsibility. So after taking in all this information I was left with one simple question that I found myself desperately wanting to ask these people:
“Why did you get married in the first place?”
Sometimes I feel that my husband and I are alone on the small island of “We Take Our Vows Seriously”. It’s no secret that this is an island that is difficult to survive on. For one, all those who have abandoned the island still live in close proximity and are very vocal about their decision to leave. Also, it has become much easier to leave the island. These days there are boats lined up like cabs outside a night club after last call waiting to ferry refugees off to the neighboring island of “I Want Out”. Resources have become sparse on our island, which makes survival dependant upon how creatively residents can utilize the resources we do have. Essentially it boils down to the fact that we committed ourselves to a life on this island. We promised God that we would live here for the rest of our lives no matter what the circumstances became.
When anyone first moves here, it’s the most beautiful place you can imagine. You think yourself incredibly lucky to be able to live in such a wonderful place. But the fact is any place you live is going to lose some of the initial novel appeal and you will begin to see the flaws. There isn’t enough to eat, it gets too cold at night, it’s too humid in the summer, or it’s just plain boring! This is when many people grab the first boat they can find and flee the island.
"It didn't work out," they may think. Or the ever popular, "We just weren't meant to be together," may be the party line given when asked why they can't stay.
Some may stick it out through the initial challenges but then eventually something breaks them and they too run for the docks.
"We really tried," they tell the boat captain, "It just got too hard." The thing is, the captain couldn't care less, he's just going to collect his ferry fee and come back for the next couple.

The real survivors, the true island natives are the ones who find more to eat, use an extra blanket at night, find shade during the heat, and then look around and think to themselves, “this is still the most beautiful place I can imagine and there is no where else in the world I would rather live”.


Living here comfortably on “We Take Our Vows Seriously”, my husband and I find ourselves frustrated when we see people abandon the island. And it’s especially irritating when we see people leave for; let’s face it, stupid reasons.


Let me clarify: Brandon and I are not judgmental self-important people simply because we’ve managed to stay married for two and a half years without major incident. My intention is not to be holier-than-thou and condemning, in case any of you reading this feels particularly defensive about your decision to move off the island. So if I am offending anyone, let me convey my apologies right now. Brandon and I simply find ourselves frustrated with people who get married with the underlying attitude of, "we'll see how it goes" instead of "for better or worse". That being said; moving on...


We understand that sometimes, despite both parties’ best efforts, a marriage cannot be salvaged. We also completely sympathize with those who find themselves married to someone they don’t even recognize due possibly to drugs, alcohol, or domestic violence. There should be no shame in leaving the island for those reasons.


The reasons I find myself completely infuriated over, and my primary intention in writing this blog, are the reasons the couples featured on the TV show “True Life” are letting their marriage deteriorate over. You shouldn’t get to flip-flop between family responsibilities and single life. Sure, at one point or another every married person will look back on single life with a small twinge of harmless nostalgia. Or one may even feel a fleeting sense of jealousy toward a single friend’s carefree exploits of unattached-hood. But I just can't get my head around the idea of someone who gets married when they aren't completely sure they want to leave that life behind. Here’s what I think an easy solution would be: get it out of your system then get married. It’s so heartbreaking to see relationships dissolve over something so trivial.


I have also heard young people I have known in my life cite the ever popular reason for divorce:
“I just don’t want to be married anymore”.
This one caused me to fight every red hot instinct in my body to scream in response, “Too frickin' bad! You should have thought of that before you promised ‘until death do you part’”!
Too often it seems that marriage is entered into because it seems like the right thing to do at the time. Or maybe, in some cases, people may think,
“This will be fun! I’ll plan a huge party, be the princess of the world for a day, get tons of presents, go on an awesome vacation, and then have a boyfriend for life!”


Even if this isn’t exactly the way the thought process progresses, admit it, lots of women are guilty of perceiving marriage this way. It may be on a subconscious level or it may flutter through her mind briefly while flipping through bridal magazines or trying on a wedding dress. Sure, it’s harmless if it’s a fleeting notion because the reality is the wedding itself is just our way of indulging our inner six-year-old. If only there was a way to do that without the whole "lifetime commitment" thing.


So if you want to move to the island of “We Take Our Vows Seriously”, I think, you should really ask yourself if you can live there, for better or worse, for the rest of your life. Because it truly is an amazing place to live if you take the time to make it that. It’s not a vacation spot, folks; true residents don’t appreciate tourists. So don’t show up if you’re not absolutely sure that you’re going to stay no matter what.

Defining Moments

There will eventually come a point in many marriages when one or the other person involved will want to take a risk. This risk may be of a personal nature; for instance he might want to invest a large amount of money into a high yield stock or she might want to take sky diving lessons. This kind of risk poses possible threats to one's physical or financial well being. And then there are some personal risks that may involve emotional well being. She might want to get in touch with someone who hurt her in her past in an effort to move past the traumatic event. Still other risks may pose a threat to both the physical and the emotional well being of both partners. These risks often are of a professional nature. One person or the other may, at some point, desire to make a drastic career change that could possibly mean financial stability for the family, a lifelong dream fulfilled, and as a result, a happier marriage.
However, the fact remains that if the risk does not pay off it could mean financial struggles, rejection, broken hearts, depression, and strain on the relationship. The latter is a terrifying prospect, but it is unfortunately a reality that must be faced. When one person feels that this is a risk that they want to take both outcomes must be considered by both partners. Then the ultimate question must be asked by the person taking the risk to their partner:
"Will you support me?"
This can be a difficult question to ask and sometimes an even more difficult question to answer. In situations like these the question has many levels. It can mean, will you emotionally support me no matter how this plays out over the next few months, years, etc? It can also mean will you be able to support more of the financial responsibilities while I'm pursuing my passion? And finally, it can also mean, do you believe there is a good chance this risk will, in fact, pay off or am I just wasting my time? None of these sub-questions have easy answers, so what happens when a marriage faces a defining moment like this?

This is what my husband and I are facing currently. I have always wanted to be a full-time writer. From the time I was about eight or nine I knew this is what I wanted to do. I would sit for hours in my room, in the backseat of the family car on a road trip, or even in the pew at church with a small notebook and a pencil writing stories. I wrote characters I wanted to be in situations I wanted to experience. I got lost in my writing and sometimes thoughts came spilling onto the pages that I wasn't even aware were in my brain. The trials of my teenage years overshadowed my desire to write and my passion was forgotten for many years. It was only after I finished college and began the customary quarter-life soul searching process that I rediscovered my overwhelming desire to be a writer. Over the past six months or so I have spent many hours researching graduate writing programs, reading books about how to make my writing better, and simply writing down my thoughts. This blog itself has become an effort to exercise my writing ability while I am planning my next big move. Although it hasn't gotten much attention from myself or other people for that matter, it has been excellent therapy for me to write casually about what I know on those frustrating days when inspiration escapes me.

This past weekend, as it happened, was what I believe to be the defining moment for my aspiring ambitions. Unrelated circumstances caused me to leave my extremely unrewarding job that I had become way too comfortable in over the past few years. There was no other job lined up and my husband and I are not quite financially able to live on one income at the present moment. So basically we had to make a decision. Was this my opportunity to get serious and really devote all my energy to making my writing happen? Or should I just find another soul-crushing job that pays the bills until a better opportunity comes along?
Of course I want to embrace my new found freedom and pursue my passion... in a perfect world, right? But then reality sinks in and I begin to feel that nasty twinge of guilt for asking my husband to shoulder the extra responsibility and trudge off to work at 6am every morning while I get to sit at home in the comfort of my cozy office in my sweats doing something that I love for no money. But bless his sweet stoic heart. He pushes those guilty feelings right out of my head and reassures me that he completely supports my decision. Of course we're both terrified to be so unsure about how this is going to play out and what effect this is going to have on our future. But there is an exhilaration also that we both try to hold onto when negativity and panic try to sneak in when our guards are down.
The fact is, this man truly believes in me. He believes in my passion and also my talent and potential as a writer so much that he is willing to follow me out of our financial and emotional comfort zone into extremely volatile territory.
Relationships are defined by these moments; moments when life gets uncomfortable or changes drasically and suddenly the routine you grew so accustomed to is turned completely upside down. Sometimes it's even harder when the person who flipped it over was someone in the marriage. It's much simpler when you can adopt an "us against the world" mentality and ban together in the face of a crisis. This, however, is new for us. I'm the one who is looking to my partner and asking him to take this great leap of faith with me without knowing if we'll achieve everything we've been hoping for or if we're going to fall flat on our faces. But the fact remains the same: no matter what, we're going to support each other in every way possible.

Christmas Eve and Miles Away from the Ordinary

The term "new normal" has been thrown around a lot when one is trying to adjust to a major life-altering event. It gives people a sense that everything will ultimately be okay. Although things will never be as they were before the event, the dust will eventually settle and all parties involved will grow accustomed to a new routine and way of life. This expression is especially prevalent in my family. We have had to cope with many shifts in comfortable practices as a result of crisis, tragedy, or simply taking the next step in life.

I've never been one to adapt well to change. I like things the way they are, safe and familiar. I like life where I can see it so it can't spring any unwanted surprises on me when I have my guard down. I like predictability of routine and the security of knowing that things will remain the same and within my control. This is not a reasonable expectation, of that I am acutely aware. Things change; plain and simple. Sometimes they change for the better, for example, adjusting to graduating from college, getting married, or moving to a new house; and sometimes a change can occur in your life that sends you into a tailspin of anxiety and despair. You may find yourself wondering if it is even possible to recover from such a catastrophe and eventually fumble your way to the "new normal". The only way to cope is to pick your head up off the pillow every day and grasp to the hope that the dust will settle and life will seem manageable again someday.

So, here I sit, gazing at my modest Christmas tree all lit up and just waiting for joyful family members to gather around it tomorrow morning and forget all about life's challenges for one day and just be together. It serves as a reminder that no matter how turbulent circumstances get Christmas morning is a time to reset our way of thinking and take stock of the wonderful blessings God has awarded us this year.

My "new normal" has been quite the journey over the past 12 months. My mother is spending her first Christmas away from her children in Montana with her fiance. They are getting married on Sunday and unfortunately neither I nor my brother will be able to be there. This joyous occasion is following a long and painful process to get to this point. Both my mother and her husband-to-be fought tooth and nail to be with each other, prevailing over an unnecessarily drawn out divorce and my mother's recent diagnosis of breast cancer and subsequent mastectomy. My father decided to return to his home and family in South Africa after becoming involved with a woman he had known 30 years ago and recently reconnected with on Facebook. He packed all his worldly possessions and moved on to the next phase of his life half a world away. In addition to both my parents beginning new lives this holiday season my husband and I are dealing with the wake of the sudden loss of my job. It became necessary for me to return to waiting tables, a job and lifestyle that I had fought with everything I had to leave behind. So, in the face of absent parents, cancer, unemployment, and general uncertainty about what 2010 will bring; I sit in front of my Christmas tree and choose to smile; because sometimes, in a time of uncertainty and crisis, smiling is a choice.

This is my life; it is what it is and it will remain to be what it will be. I will muster the strength to change what I can and improve what is within my control... other than that, I simply have to lift my head off the pillow every morning and choose to smile. It's a new Christmas this year and I'm extremely grateful.