Don't Hold Me in Contempt

It may be clear to some of you at this point, given the tone and subject of my last few posts, that my marriage and the basis for this blog has slipped into comfortable predictability. Brandon and I have reached the two and a half year mark happy and optimistic. That being the case, I have had a hard time as of late scraping up topics to vent about. I find that lack of drama makes for boring writing. Fortunately for me and the minuscule circle of readers I have managed to accumulate newlywed perils reach me these days by way of my dearest mother.

My mom, always the tireless academic, has become a humble student of marriage. This is a woman who loves to do her research. She believes that the better one understands and has the ability to analyze a concept the better one is prepared to handle said concept. It's a good theory. I tend to be a more hands-on, trial-by-fire, close my eyes and pray real hard that everything works out kind of person; but to each his own. I could probably stand to take a page from Mom's approach- man, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that last gem...

Anyway! Being the diligent, studious type, my mother has read many a text on how to make her marriage the best it can possibly be. She frequently discusses with me topics that she comes across in her reading. Yesterday the topic happened to be about contempt in a marriage. I believe the exact phrasing was, "You must have contempt for contempt". Corny, over-simplified phrasing aside, it got me thinking about the word contempt. Contempt is a mighty strong word. Is this really something that we need to actively try to avoid? I always thought that contempt is cultivated as a result of intense hatred or egregious act on the part of another.

After my conversation with my mom I kept fixating on the word contempt, so I did a little research of my own. I couldn't help but be bothered by the idea that contempt could perhaps creep its slimy little self into my marriage relatively unnoticed. I worried about that notion the way someone might worry about cancer after reading an article in Newsweek. Could I become a victim of contempt and not even know it?

According to Dr. John Gottman, eminent marriage researcher and head of The Gottman Relationship Institute, contempt is the third most dangerous problem a marriage can encounter behind stonewalling and defensiveness. In addition, I came to find out, this nasty little bastard stems from criticism. And honestly, who of us can swear under oath that we've never ever ever fallen into that trap? Be honest! Criticism has almost become a synonym of marriage. As a wife it's a stigma I encounter everywhere; I'm his wife therefore I must demean him with every opportunity I get. Although I will admit that in the heat of battle I have been known to make the occasional "you always" or "you never" comment; but I still feel as though we're a very long way from actual contempt. Apparently once a couple has crossed the line between criticism and contempt it's a quick decline into outright dysfunction.

"Why such a Debbie Downer?" you may be wondering. I assure you, it's not intentional. It was simply the thought process of a writer. We can get fixated on a single word and then the next thing you know it becomes a full-on self indulgent rant about what meaning it has is the grand scheme of it all. Or maybe it helped someone reading this, who knows? Either way; there it is. So what's the moral of our little story today, kids? I guess it's: tread lightly because contempt is poison to any relationship and it often goes undetected until significant damage is done.