I feel as though this issue doesn't receive enough attention in the matrimonial "how-to" literature. Perhaps this is because no one in their right frame of mind would consider this particular problem a deal breaker. Regardless, I still find the whole scenario irritating. It's hard enough for me to figure out my own social politics without having to work my husband's in as well. Let me present an example of this dilemma that presented itself relatively recently in my house.
Author's note: Some details of the following story have been altered to protect the privacy and feelings of those involved.
Brandon and I had been invited to a party thrown by Alex, a mutual friend. The invitation arrived in the mail four or five weeks before the party was to take place and neither Brandon nor I made any sort of immediate commitment to attend or not. The invitation requested we RSVP regrets only therefore we were still within our boundaries of party etiquette. Three days before the date of the party Brandon and I both received a mass email from Alex requesting that we reply if we would not be attending the party. The conversation that occurred that morning over coffee went as follows:
Me: "Hey, Bran- are we going to Alex's party this weekend?"
Brandon: "No."
Me: "Why not?"
Brandon: "I want to go to the Oriole game."
Me: "OK, whatever, I'm fine either way. But can you let Alex know we won't be coming?"
Brandon: "Why do I have to do it? You tell Alex."
Me: "Uh, because you're the one who doesn't want to go."
Brandon: "Fine, then I guess we're going."
Me: "What? That's not what I meant. I'm fine with going to the O's game I just think since you're the one who doesn't want to go to the party you should be the one to tell Alex we're not coming."
Brandon: "I don't want to."
Me: "What makes you think I do?"
And so on, and so on... you get the idea.
Now, this was by no means a huge ordeal- minor banter really. But it was clear to me at that point in the conversation that we were at a stalemate. Neither one of us was going to back down any time soon, yet I was still unclear if we were going to a party or a baseball game that weekend. And I was fuming with frustration at the clear power play that was unfolding in my living room- not enough to back down though, of course. I thought I was making perfect sense and the situation was pretty straight forward:
- Brandon didn't want to go to the party
- Alex is a mutual friend that invited both of us, Mr. & Mrs.
- Brandon should be the one to make the uncomfortable phone call or write the uncomfortable email that explains why Mr. & Mrs. will not be attending
AM I RIGHT?
Eventually the point was moot because we attended Alex's wonderful party and had a great time. But I can't help musing about the vastly under-appreciated issue of who is the social director of the marriage and what the guidelines are that exist within that position. If you have managed to figure it out in your own relationship I tip my hat to you- congrats! I'm still working on this one.
2 comments:
Dear Newlywed:
Do you see what social dilemma have been caused by woman's lib?!! I checked in with Emily Post, the goddess of manners in my day and my mother's, I might add.
It times past, there would be NO dilemma because the bride would be given a ream of "Bread and Butter" notes engraved with her married name. The wife would sit at her dainty little writing desk and pull out one of these aforementioned linen cards and proceed to RSVP in her very nicest of penmanship.
The Lord and Master of the house would not give it another thought and the wife, after such an arduous task, might take to her bed for the afternoon.
Think about it dear generation Y, and agree that things were so much simpler then.
(Oh, and P.S...because you were asked to RSVP only regrets, you needn't have written anything and your host should not have called you. You, naturally, would have expressed your regrets long ago)
GLAD YOU HAD FUN!!!!
Dear Newlywed -
This issue frustrates me as well...since I know what the answer SHOULD be...but what in reality it really is. My own husband is slick in the sense that he figured a way out of these situations a long time ago, "mess up really badly one time and I'll never have to deal with it again"...crafty SOB.
In my opinion, there are some battles in a marriage that just aren't worth fighting...and this one falls in that category. Being that I am a "Type A" personality, I have the overwhelming need to be in control so I am naturally the keeper of the schedule in my household. But there is an unwritten agreement that as long as I maintain our social calendar, my husband does all maintenance/labor around the house. Although it appears that we are chained to our designated "gender roles"...it seems to keep the peace...and at the end of the day isn't that what's important?
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