Defining Moments

There will eventually come a point in many marriages when one or the other person involved will want to take a risk. This risk may be of a personal nature; for instance he might want to invest a large amount of money into a high yield stock or she might want to take sky diving lessons. This kind of risk poses possible threats to one's physical or financial well being. And then there are some personal risks that may involve emotional well being. She might want to get in touch with someone who hurt her in her past in an effort to move past the traumatic event. Still other risks may pose a threat to both the physical and the emotional well being of both partners. These risks often are of a professional nature. One person or the other may, at some point, desire to make a drastic career change that could possibly mean financial stability for the family, a lifelong dream fulfilled, and as a result, a happier marriage.
However, the fact remains that if the risk does not pay off it could mean financial struggles, rejection, broken hearts, depression, and strain on the relationship. The latter is a terrifying prospect, but it is unfortunately a reality that must be faced. When one person feels that this is a risk that they want to take both outcomes must be considered by both partners. Then the ultimate question must be asked by the person taking the risk to their partner:
"Will you support me?"
This can be a difficult question to ask and sometimes an even more difficult question to answer. In situations like these the question has many levels. It can mean, will you emotionally support me no matter how this plays out over the next few months, years, etc? It can also mean will you be able to support more of the financial responsibilities while I'm pursuing my passion? And finally, it can also mean, do you believe there is a good chance this risk will, in fact, pay off or am I just wasting my time? None of these sub-questions have easy answers, so what happens when a marriage faces a defining moment like this?

This is what my husband and I are facing currently. I have always wanted to be a full-time writer. From the time I was about eight or nine I knew this is what I wanted to do. I would sit for hours in my room, in the backseat of the family car on a road trip, or even in the pew at church with a small notebook and a pencil writing stories. I wrote characters I wanted to be in situations I wanted to experience. I got lost in my writing and sometimes thoughts came spilling onto the pages that I wasn't even aware were in my brain. The trials of my teenage years overshadowed my desire to write and my passion was forgotten for many years. It was only after I finished college and began the customary quarter-life soul searching process that I rediscovered my overwhelming desire to be a writer. Over the past six months or so I have spent many hours researching graduate writing programs, reading books about how to make my writing better, and simply writing down my thoughts. This blog itself has become an effort to exercise my writing ability while I am planning my next big move. Although it hasn't gotten much attention from myself or other people for that matter, it has been excellent therapy for me to write casually about what I know on those frustrating days when inspiration escapes me.

This past weekend, as it happened, was what I believe to be the defining moment for my aspiring ambitions. Unrelated circumstances caused me to leave my extremely unrewarding job that I had become way too comfortable in over the past few years. There was no other job lined up and my husband and I are not quite financially able to live on one income at the present moment. So basically we had to make a decision. Was this my opportunity to get serious and really devote all my energy to making my writing happen? Or should I just find another soul-crushing job that pays the bills until a better opportunity comes along?
Of course I want to embrace my new found freedom and pursue my passion... in a perfect world, right? But then reality sinks in and I begin to feel that nasty twinge of guilt for asking my husband to shoulder the extra responsibility and trudge off to work at 6am every morning while I get to sit at home in the comfort of my cozy office in my sweats doing something that I love for no money. But bless his sweet stoic heart. He pushes those guilty feelings right out of my head and reassures me that he completely supports my decision. Of course we're both terrified to be so unsure about how this is going to play out and what effect this is going to have on our future. But there is an exhilaration also that we both try to hold onto when negativity and panic try to sneak in when our guards are down.
The fact is, this man truly believes in me. He believes in my passion and also my talent and potential as a writer so much that he is willing to follow me out of our financial and emotional comfort zone into extremely volatile territory.
Relationships are defined by these moments; moments when life gets uncomfortable or changes drasically and suddenly the routine you grew so accustomed to is turned completely upside down. Sometimes it's even harder when the person who flipped it over was someone in the marriage. It's much simpler when you can adopt an "us against the world" mentality and ban together in the face of a crisis. This, however, is new for us. I'm the one who is looking to my partner and asking him to take this great leap of faith with me without knowing if we'll achieve everything we've been hoping for or if we're going to fall flat on our faces. But the fact remains the same: no matter what, we're going to support each other in every way possible.

Christmas Eve and Miles Away from the Ordinary

The term "new normal" has been thrown around a lot when one is trying to adjust to a major life-altering event. It gives people a sense that everything will ultimately be okay. Although things will never be as they were before the event, the dust will eventually settle and all parties involved will grow accustomed to a new routine and way of life. This expression is especially prevalent in my family. We have had to cope with many shifts in comfortable practices as a result of crisis, tragedy, or simply taking the next step in life.

I've never been one to adapt well to change. I like things the way they are, safe and familiar. I like life where I can see it so it can't spring any unwanted surprises on me when I have my guard down. I like predictability of routine and the security of knowing that things will remain the same and within my control. This is not a reasonable expectation, of that I am acutely aware. Things change; plain and simple. Sometimes they change for the better, for example, adjusting to graduating from college, getting married, or moving to a new house; and sometimes a change can occur in your life that sends you into a tailspin of anxiety and despair. You may find yourself wondering if it is even possible to recover from such a catastrophe and eventually fumble your way to the "new normal". The only way to cope is to pick your head up off the pillow every day and grasp to the hope that the dust will settle and life will seem manageable again someday.

So, here I sit, gazing at my modest Christmas tree all lit up and just waiting for joyful family members to gather around it tomorrow morning and forget all about life's challenges for one day and just be together. It serves as a reminder that no matter how turbulent circumstances get Christmas morning is a time to reset our way of thinking and take stock of the wonderful blessings God has awarded us this year.

My "new normal" has been quite the journey over the past 12 months. My mother is spending her first Christmas away from her children in Montana with her fiance. They are getting married on Sunday and unfortunately neither I nor my brother will be able to be there. This joyous occasion is following a long and painful process to get to this point. Both my mother and her husband-to-be fought tooth and nail to be with each other, prevailing over an unnecessarily drawn out divorce and my mother's recent diagnosis of breast cancer and subsequent mastectomy. My father decided to return to his home and family in South Africa after becoming involved with a woman he had known 30 years ago and recently reconnected with on Facebook. He packed all his worldly possessions and moved on to the next phase of his life half a world away. In addition to both my parents beginning new lives this holiday season my husband and I are dealing with the wake of the sudden loss of my job. It became necessary for me to return to waiting tables, a job and lifestyle that I had fought with everything I had to leave behind. So, in the face of absent parents, cancer, unemployment, and general uncertainty about what 2010 will bring; I sit in front of my Christmas tree and choose to smile; because sometimes, in a time of uncertainty and crisis, smiling is a choice.

This is my life; it is what it is and it will remain to be what it will be. I will muster the strength to change what I can and improve what is within my control... other than that, I simply have to lift my head off the pillow every morning and choose to smile. It's a new Christmas this year and I'm extremely grateful.

What Happens After "Happily Ever After"

I read somewhere that watching romantic movies (more commonly known as "chick flicks") can be detrimental to your relationship because it creates an "unrealistic view of romance". I believe that is the fundamental problem with today's society when it comes to our views on marriage and love. Think about it... what year was it exactly that Walt Disney began planting the idea in people's heads of "happily ever after"? It started with sweet little Snow White and the poisoned apple. Then along came Prince Charming and all it took was a kiss to wake her from her coma and they "lived happily ever after"! Fast-forward almost 100 years and now we see Kate Hudson being swept off her feet by some gorgeous, albeit charmingly flawed man with some impeccably crafted line that happens to be the product of some grossly overpaid Hollywood writer and not at ALL based in reality; but I'm getting ahead of myself. So here we are, ladies, in our best sweatpants with a pint of our favorite Ben & Jerry's in our laps watching a 105 pound adorably quirky leading lady receive the best kiss of her life with some climactic music playing in surround sound just before the credits roll. How could that possibly distort our views on realistic relationships?!?!?

So I have made it my personal mission to tell these women who have been brainwashed by people who write impossible love stories exactly what happens AFTER the credits roll. How do you get to "happily ever after"? I'll tell you one thing, if Snow White and Prince Charming didn't put in the proverbial blood, sweat, and not-so-proverbial tears that is necessary to make a relationship thrive; "happily ever after" would have lasted about 6 months and then they would have marched their cute little Disney butts right into divorce court because Snow White couldn't stand Charming's parents and Charming thought Snow White spent too much money on shoes.

I think everyone realizes on some level that there is no such thing as complete and total "happily ever after" where everyday is like your wedding. But I will tell you that if you're expecting anything even close to what you see in those movies you're more than likely going to end up where more than 50% of married couples end up. But if you remind yourself every single day that happily ever after is hard work it is an attainable goal.

First thing you gotta know is, Prince Charming doesn't exist. Sure, your guy is going to have his white knight moments, and the good ones have a lot of them. But that same guy that made your heart flutter and your stomach flip in those first magical weeks is as flawed as any human. He sweats, swears, farts, and watches too much ESPN. He leaves his socks in the living room and doesn't put the toilet seat down. He's gonna drive you crazy just by looking at you the wrong way some days and you're going to want to punch him when "it's not what he said but how he said it"!
But he's still your Prince and he's still you're White Knight. It's just the reality behind the script. When my Prince Charming is driving me crazy and I just want to scream, I look at a beautiful picture from our wedding day and I remember that he's the man I fell in love with and the man I married and I love him completely unconditionally. Sometimes I still want to scream but the feeling passes a lot quicker.

So put down the DVD remote and appreciate the real man in your life, not the ones some Hollywood guys made up. Because even Matthew McConaughey would drive you crazy if you had to live with the guy!

Keeping the "Me" in "We"

For many couples the shift from "me" to "we" happens very naturally and in many cases may go completely unnoticed. For other couples that transition can be very uncomfortable as one of both people fight fiercely to preserve their sense of independence. Brandon and I are definitely part of the former group and "we" happened for us long before we became a "we" in the eyes of God and the government. So it has taken me this long (nearly three years) to begin to reflect on how exactly the "me-to-we" transition has affected MY life.

First let me explain what I mean by the "me-to-we" transition. It is what happens when two people commit to each other to the point where their lives are aimed towards a common goal and the needs for the couple supersede the needs of the individual. It is not as simple as replacing your "I's" and "me's" in your everyday conversations with "we" or "us". (I am aware that this part of the transition can be extremely irritating to those of steadfast single status) In addition to the change in language a change in overall mindset occurs as well. Simple decisions can no longer be made based on what you want. All of a sudden the needs of your spouse are a dominant factor in the decision process.

But before I get preachy I'll get on with it. I find myself reflecting on my experiences with this transition because it's not something that happens overnight. First it began when we were dating when I started to consult Brandon on the plans for the weekend. I couldn't just run off to a party or a bar with a friend at the last minute. Then once we decided to get married the breadth of decisions expanded. And I'll tell ya, it's not easy to consider "we" when you're planning a wedding that you've been picturing since you were a little "me".

So now here I am, a year after the wedding, and I'm reflecting on the transition into complete and total "we". While I still do maintain a healthy level of independence; for instance I insist on spending at least one day a week doing girly things like shopping and scrapbooking with my mom, and I spontaneously grab a drink with a friend after work every once in awhile instead of worrying about fixing dinner; the majority of the decisions made in my life involve the point of view and the best interest of both myself and my husband. At times this can be frustrating because I can no longer consider things like spending a year in Ireland or moving to California. No more are the days of impulse buying with no one to answer to when I come home with a new purse or pair of shoes that I apparently "don't need".

It's nice though, when you really sit and think about it. Because really it comes down to thinking about the feelings of someone who is incredibly meaningful to you and that is the most important thing, isn't it? To finally be able to put someone else's needs before your own for the good of the relationship and the survival of the partnership.